"If You Think You’re Enlightened, Go Spend a Week with Your Family"

Thanksgiving may still be a few weeks away, but in my house, the annual family “negotiations” have already begun.

This year’s debate? The same as every other year: the Thanksgiving menu.

My husband is once again championing what he calls “the easiest, most peaceful option” – ordering in. His brother, a recently minted culinary school graduate, is on the opposite end of the spectrum: proposing an ambitious, multi-day menu complete with homemade stock, a specialty rub, and an entire spreadsheet of side dishes.

It’s become a sort of Groundhog’s Day ritual between the two of them.

And I can’t help but think of something their late mother once told me after a Thanksgiving argument years ago, equal parts exasperated and amused: “Those two have a gift – the gift of constant bickering.”

It’s the kind of family dynamic that might make Ram Dass smile.

Because, as he said: "If you think you're enlightened – go spend a week with your family."

Why Family Pushes Our Buttons

Here’s the thing: family tends to bring out our oldest patterns – and sometimes our most unflattering ones.

Psychologists say it’s because family interactions activate early attachment systems: the parts of our brain linked to safety, belonging, and identity. Anyone who's walked into their childhood home after some time away knows the feeling perfectly.

These are powerful emotional circuits.

And when we’re around family, our brains often unconsciously slip back into old roles – the peacemaker, the fixer, the rebel, the avoider – even if we’ve long outgrown them in other facets of our lives.

Research published in Psychological Science found that family relationships, while among the most meaningful, are also among the most emotionally charged. The same people who give us comfort can also provoke our strongest stress responses, sometimes in the span of a single conversation about the "right way" to make mashed potatoes.

In short: your family most likely isn't uniquely complicated. You're just human.

The Psychology of the Family “Activation”

When you’re with family – either biological, chosen, or otherwise – your nervous system recognizes the environment and often defaults to learned roles and responses.

That’s why even your 35-year-old self, who manages an entire team and has successfully finished two half marathons, can still feel like a helpless 10 year-old when your sibling makes a snide comment or your mom asks why you're wearing that to dinner.

Add in the increased stress of the season, the travel exhaustion, the pressure of the work waiting for your return, and the screaming 2-year-old sitting next to you? It takes every ounce of effort not to join in on the screaming.

Yes, we want it to go well, we want to feel close with those we love, and we desperately want everyone to behave. But that's most certainly easier said than done and – the truth of the matter is – you only have control over yourself.

So then, how do we approach these gatherings with more grace and less teeth grinding? How can we protect our peace without disconnecting from the people who matter most?

Let's get into it.

4 Ways to Stay Grounded (and Better Enjoy Your Family)

Below are a few simple, science-backed ways to navigate family gatherings without losing your center – or your temper.

1. Set an Intention Before You Go

Before the family time begins, take a few minutes to ask yourself: How do I want to feel during this gathering? Maybe it’s ease. Maybe it’s connection. Maybe it's gratitude for everyone who was able to make it. Maybe it’s simply staying calm and unbothered through the political debate that sneaked its way into the dinner table. Whatever it is, allow yourself a few minutes to bring that sensation to life.

Research shows that setting an intention helps shift your mindset from reactive to proactive. By priming your brain around your intention, you are no longer accepting whatever happens as a victim of circumstance – you are actively shaping your experience.

Pro tip: write your intention down or say it out loud a few times. The brain processes written or spoken goals more effectively than silent thoughts, helping you stay better anchored when tensions begin to rise.

2. Reframe the Irritation

That comment, that behavior, that thing they always do – yes, it’s frustrating and it might even feel rude. But what if, instead of trying to prove them wrong or put them in their place, you shifted your lens to curiosity?

What if you took on the role of a visitor whose sole responsibility is deeper understanding through observation.

Psychologists call this cognitive reappraisal – the ability to reinterpret a situation in a way that reduces its emotional sting.

You might ask yourself:

• What might happen if I simply listen rather than argue my perspective?

• What might this person actually be needing or expressing underneath this comment?

• What am I hearing (or assigning) that they're not really saying?

• How might this moment look if I were retelling it to a friend while laughing over drinks?

Reframing doesn’t mean pretending things are fine when they’re not. And it certainly doesn't mean staying in a toxic, abusive, or dangerous situation at your own expense.

Instead, it means protecting and reclaiming your sense of peace and power – allowing you to be more present, thoughtful, and unbothered along the way.

3. Practice Thoughtful Boundaries

Boundaries aren’t always easy to integrate when we are out of practice. And the fact is – in a world of constant demand, notifications, and overstimulation, most of us have grown accustomed to putting our heads down and just pushing through.

But research has shown that even simple boundary-practices – like stepping away for a few minutes to breathe deeply or shifting topics toward common interests – not only leave you feeling less resentful and anxious, but actually increase relationship satisfaction.

You might plan to take a walk or engage in a specific activity you enjoy. Or, you can proactively practice phrases like, “Let’s table this topic for now, because I'd love to hear how _____ is going!” (Search their socials for just a few minutes, and you'll likely find at least few interests you could ask about.)

And for those who feel like they could never do this with your family – I encourage you to give it a try. You’re not being selfish by protecting your peace. You’re practicing self-care and – according to research – creating healthier relationships along the way.

4. Practice Mindful Listening

Sometimes the best way to disarm tension is the simplest: listen – really listen.

Not to reply. Not to fix. Just to hear.

When people feel heard, they soften. When we feel seen, we stop shouting (literally or figuratively).

Active, mindful listening – making eye contact, nodding, considering their perspective – doesn’t just ease conversations; it also increases empathy. Neuro-imaging studies show that compassionate listening activates the same reward centers as receiving kindness ourselves.

So, even if you don’t agree with everything they are saying, your presence in listening can still change the tone of the room and transform your experience in powerful ways.

A Little Holiday Peace (and Humor)

Back to the bickering brothers we opened with.

Despite weeks of debate, they almost always find a way to compromise: one day of takeout and lounging (my husband’s version of nirvana), followed by a Thanksgiving feast that could rival a cooking show finale (my brother-in-law’s passion project).

It’s chaotic. It’s full of bickering. It’s perfectly imperfect.

But in the end, they both get what they want – and they both allow the other to do the same.

Maybe that’s the real lesson Ram Dass was hinting at with his quote. Family will test your patience, your peace, and sometimes your very sanity – but they’re also our greatest teachers in connection and compassion.

Because the goal isn’t to emerge from the holidays “enlightened.”

It's to emerge from the holidays remembering why we love these crazy people to begin with, and why we are lucky to have them in our lives.

Final Reflections

This holiday season, I hope you can give yourself permission to be human.

You don’t have to be perfectly zen through every conversation or obnoxious moment. You just have to stay curious and kind – to yourself and to others.

So, set your intentions, reframe what you can, establish your boundaries, and listen with empathy.

And when all else fails?

Step outside, breathe deeply, and remember that even the wisest among us have been humbled by the simple, family dinner.