What Venting Actually Does to Your Brain (And What to Do Instead)

Earlier this week, a client forwarded me an article with a subject line that made me laugh out loud:

"Our sessions are now haunting me on LinkedIn."

The article was published by the American Psychological Association, and it cited research suggesting that venting — the thing most of us reach for instinctively when we're frustrated — doesn't actually reduce anger or distress. In many cases, it intensifies it.

The Thing We All Reach For

It's a fascinating finding, especially given how culturally normalized venting has become.

We call it "getting it out." We seek out friends, coaches, or anyone willing to listen so we can unload the weight of what we're carrying. And in the moment, it genuinely feels like relief.

But here's what the research suggests is actually happening: when we repeatedly rehearse how frustrated, wronged, or overwhelmed we feel, our brains don't move through the experience — they dig further into it.

The brain's job becomes proving the story rather than helping us move beyond it. We get better at feeling bad rather than better at feeling better.

This doesn't mean your feelings aren't valid. They absolutely are. It just means that expression alone rarely creates the resolution we're actually looking for.

A Small Shift: The Name-and-Frame

So what do we do instead?

I've been encouraging clients to try something I call the Name-and-Frame — think of it as venting with intention. It's a two-step practice, and it's simpler than it sounds.

Step 1: Name it.

Instead of jumping straight into the story — what happened, who did what, how unfair it all was — pause first and ask yourself: what am I actually feeling right now?

Not what happened. Not who's to blame. Just the raw emotional experience. Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Disappointed? Ashamed? Scared? Lonely?

Naming the emotion does something neurologically significant. Research by neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman found that simply labeling a feeling activates the prefrontal cortex and creates a small but meaningful gap between the emotion and your reaction to it. As he describes it, you're essentially putting the brakes on the brain's threat response.

That gap is where our agency lives.

Step 2: Frame it.

Once you've named the feeling, ask yourself: what do I need to move through this?

The answer might be support. It might be space. It might be informed by a time you navigated through something similar in the past. It might simply be acceptance of what you can (and can't) control.

That shift — from replaying the problem to engaging with what you need — changes the entire conversation your brain is having. You're no longer building a case. You're building a bridge.

Why This Actually Works

Psychologist Susan David, whose work on emotional agility has shaped much of how I think about this, makes a distinction that I find incredibly useful: there's a difference between processing an emotion and marinating in it.

Processing moves us forward. Marinating keeps us stuck — and often leaves us more activated than when we started.

The Name-and-Frame is a tool for processing. It honors the feeling without inviting it into the driver's seat.

Try It This Week

The next time you feel the urge to vent, I'd invite you to pause for just a moment first.

You don't have to abandon the release entirely. Just bring a little intention to it.

• What am I actually feeling right now?

• What do I need to move through this?

You might be surprised by how quickly clarity — and a genuine sense of empowerment — can follow.

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This kind of emotional intelligence work is at the heart of what I explore with clients. If you'd like to develop a more intentional relationship with your inner dialogue — and the emotions that shape how you show up — I'd love to connect. Schedule a coaching session today.