"I Get it from My Dad" – and Other Half-Truths We Accept

There I was – fingers hovering over the keyboard, jaw clenched, holding my breath, body tensed like I was about to file my taxes for the first time.

The reality? I was just leaving a little feedback for a car dealership.

A quick note in response to their request about a maintenance package that didn’t quite cover what I expected – or more accurately, what I was told it would cover.

But then, awareness swept in, and I felt it. That tightness in my chest. That flicker of heat behind my eyes. The urge to write something sharp enough to teach them a lesson.

And just like that, I realized: Oh sh*t. I’ve become my dad.

Where We Learn to React

My dad had a big heart and was quick with a joke. Always smiling, always chatting with literally anyone who would engage. A man of a thousand sarcastic comebacks – a feature of nearly his entire family.

But cross him? It was like flipping a switch.

Gone were the dad jokes, replaced by verbal grenades. I can almost guarantee that man sent a customer service rep (or two) to therapy and had several others questioning their decision to take the job.

As a kid, I learned from the sidelines: Be kind... until it stops working. Then? Bring the heat.

And for years – like autopilot – that became my unspoken script. It felt natural. Reflexive. Even justified.

Especially at work.

For a long time, I would receive strong feedback about my performance... followed by a gentle encouragement to take a few breaths before responding. Not everyone needed to be “put in their place” just because I didn’t like what they had to say.

As I eventually learned: just because something feels natural doesn’t mean it’s warranted.

The STR Model: A Reframe for the Stories We Inherit

One of the simplest tools I use today – both personally and with my clients – is something I call the STR Model:

Situation → Thoughts → Response.

I wish I could say I invented it after my great feedback revelation. (Wouldn’t that make a better story?) But in truth, this model is adapted from cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), which uses the TTR model to support trauma work.

Since we’re applying it to everyday moments of stress, tension, or mis-activation, I felt “situation” was more appropriate than “trigger.” Not every difficult moment is traumatic, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t deserve your awareness.

The premise is backed by cognitive psychology: According to Dr. Judith Beck, one of the foremost experts in CBT, our brains are wired for efficiency. Once we form a pathway – say, “aggression gets results” – our brain will default to that path over and over.

Not because it’s the best way, but because it’s the familiar way.

But here’s where the real power comes in: Once you become aware of the story your brain is running, you can rewrite it.

Just because you have a thought, doesn't mean the thought is accurate, based in your current reality, or worth turning to action.

And with a little practice, you can rewire your brain, rewrite those thoughts, and choose responses that reflect who you actually want to be.

STR in Action (How it Works for Me)

So there I was:

• Situation: I felt misled by what the maintenance package covered.

• Thoughts: They should know better. They must be taking advantage of me! They need to receive a terrible review to teach them a lesson. They need to really hear me.

• Response I almost sent: An intensely worded customer service takedown that would have made my dad proud.

But thankfully before I hit send, I noticed how tense I was. I took a second to reflect.

This doesn’t feel… good. This doesn't feel like the right response. This doesn’t feel like who I want to be.

So instead, I rewrote it. This time, from a place of kindness rather than combat.

• Response I sent: I was honest, kind, and offered a suggested alternative approach that would allow a stronger relationship with customers going forward. Not to “let them off the hook,” but because I want my voice – my actual voice – to reflect who I’m becoming.

And let’s be honest: how well do you receive feedback when it’s smothered in shame and wrapped in aggression?

By simply taking a few breaths – yes, the very feedback I had received countless times before – I created the space to recognize what was driving my decisions, and the choice I had to shut off autopilot and take back control.

The Stories We Carry

We all have these moments. Patterns. Defense mechanisms. Quick-trigger thoughts that perhaps once kept us safe – or at least helped us feel seen and heard in a given situation.

But with awareness, curiosity, and some consistent effort, we get to ask: Does this actually serve me? Is this who I want to be?

If the answer is no, we always get the chance to choose differently. It just takes a little practice.

That’s the power of the STR model. Not shame. Not erasure. Not pretending you didn’t learn what you learned. Just the invitation to say: “I’m not a passive victim to my past. I’m the active author of who I want to be.”

This feels like the perfect moment to offer a broad, heartfelt apology to my former colleagues who had the misfortune of encountering my… less-than-thoughtful self.

To those who must have wondered what they had done to deserve such an intense, assertive, or downright aggressive response: please know you didn’t do anything wrong. I was simply replicating disrespectful, inconsiderate behavior you did not deserve.

However, I am deeply grateful that some of you submitted feedback that (eventually) helped me gain awareness and grow. So for those of you who did: thank you!

Final Thoughts

The next time your shoulders tense, or your internal monologue starts sounding suspiciously like your own parent, your sassy older sibling, your former manager – or maybe even the last email you already regret sending...

Please pause.

Take a breath.

And check in: Am I on autopilot, or do I want to choose a new path forward?

You don't have to simply and passively accept generational patterns. You don’t have to keep repeating old stories.

You’re allowed to choose your own, unique path.

You’ve got this.

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Our stories were always meant to evolve – to be rewritten with purpose and pride. When you're ready to put an end to your own generational patterns and begin a new chapter for yourself, I would love to support you through the process. Schedule your first coaching session today!